I think everyone knows by now that I get a ton of really bizarre correspondance from prospective students. Most I toss because they're silly and pedantic, but occasionally one comes across my desk that I have to keep or to share. A few years ago a faculty member forwarded me an email he received. I've held onto it for three years because it was just a classic gem of someone who's obviously very intelligent and at the same time very socially unstable. And it's quite frankly just a hoot to read. I was purging things from my files yesterday and found it again to my delight. I no longer want to hold onto it, but I can't bring myself to throw it away without saving at least some of the highlights. The entire document is ten pages long, but I selected my favorite highlights to copy below.

*

A couple of mornings a week I see a couple out walking in the morning. She's fairly non-descript - middling height, middling weight, brown hair cut medium short, and she wears clothing appropriate to be out walking in the morning. She leads a german shepard and walks in front. Her husband/father/boyfriend/partner/random aquanitance walks a little ways behind him. He's easily spotted for two reasons. The first, he tends to wear something along the lines of jeans, an oversized white henley shirt that falls to mid-thigh, an beach/sand hat in camoflauge print, and he carries a really big walking stick which he doesn't actually use for walking - he just totes it around with him. And second, he has a two foot green parrot perched on his shoulder.

I'm baffled. I understand talking the dog along for the walk and getting your morning constitutional while you're at it. But I am absolutely stumped as to why one would take a bird for a walk. The bid never squaks, never looks like it's trying to take flight, and had I not seen it looking around and moving it's head I would have sworn it was a stuffed. And what would he need the Big Ass Stick for, anyways? It's not like they go out at 5 in the morning when it's still dark out - they stroll at 7:30 along well maintained sidewalks and though I do live in a suburb there aren't exactly wild bears meandering the streets that need to be beaten back. I don't get it.
But no, it's on the AP and Yahoo News picked it up. I guess it's legit. 



Qiao Yubo, who is pregnant with at least five babies, walks with her husband, right, in Songyuan, in China's northeast Jilin province, Sunday, June 11, 2006. Qiao, who is 1.67-meters tall, has a waistline measurement of 1.75 meters, five months into her pregnancy. Qiao's excessive bulk is causing difficulties in getting around, with taxi drivers too afraid to take her in their cars. Her clothing is all custom-made and she eats up to seven meals a day. 

Oh, yeah, I'd say there's more than five in there. But I ask you - how does she not fall over when she stands up? I mean, seriously?
Mexico's Congress approved the personal use of cocaine, heroin, LSD, marijuana, PCP, opium, synthetic opiates, mescaline, peyote, psilocybin mushrooms, amphetamines, and methamphetamines.

JUST FREAKING WONDERFUL.

 It's going to be LOADS of fun living in a border state now. People driving down to Tijuana for the weekend to stock up for parties and bring it back, more DUIs, more drug related crime, and more money that we'll have to spend on addiction problems. And can you IMAGINE what Spring Break will be like from now on? 

Oy. 

Just... Oy.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not making this into an immigration issue - my guess is that it will be US citizens doing the majority of this crap since we have easy passage into Mexico for tourism purposes.
Dear Judas,

Whoops, my bad!

-Christianity


Taken from penbitten.com. Melissa rocks.

Enya is going off the deep end. Scratch that - she's flung herself off and is drifting towards bottom. Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate her stuff and like some of the older songs (Orinoco Flow, Far and Away), but she's just an odd bird. Her new album, Amarantine, has three songs from a language called Loxian. LOXIAN. This is a MADE UP LANGUAGE, PEOPLE.  

To recap: she's singing in a MADE UP LANGUAGE about people who she believes are JUST LIKE US. )




Um, no. Maybe like you, babe, but don't lump me into that category. I like Tolkein and LOTR as much as the next person - probably more - but she's a flipping nutjob.

I've been going through and tossing or recycling a bunch of stuff I had kept. I came across a handwritten letter someone sent me at work, and felt I couldn't discard it in good conscience without keeping some sort of record here. It's just too damn funny not to. All of the spelling and punctuation are taken directly from the letter...


Dear consumist, I am interesting and I am looking for an entrance in your school of education for future rephrences in representation and I am a nice person, and have a pass work: History in entertainment industry. I would like to further my education in rephrences to music education i am inclinde in various feilds: modeling music and english and acting. I would like a Broshure in ascpects about your school and would like to attend as soon as possible I am Born in new orleans Louisiana and I am Currently residing at patton State Hospital and I am seeking enthusiants indline replys. If you can help me please tell me what are the requirements of the entry of [my university name] your inquiry is interesting and I would like more information about admission requirements
thank you
ps. I am waiting to here from you all
sincerlly:
[signed name]


When I first got this letter I went online and checked out Patton State Hospital. It's a mental institution. Fabulous! That's so going to be my newest student recruiting location.

I never did send this gentleman an information packet. Whoops.



Tom Cruise is insane. Not like we didn't know that already.

Tom Cruise hasn't made many friends within the medical community lately.

First the American Psychiatric Association slammed the actor for referring to psychiatry as a "pseudoscience," calling Cruise's remarks "irresponsible." Now the American College of Radiology is up in arms over Cruise's admission that he purchased a sonogram machine and uses it to perform at-home ultrasounds on fiancée Katie Holmes.


http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,17872,00.html?fdnews

***

Not only was season 3 of Arrested Development cut short (from 22 episodes ordered, to 13), it was also cancelled. Bastards.

http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/news/local/13144665.htm
http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/11/television.shows.reut/

Buuuuut, I found this on the AD message boards...

This is what I just read on E!online, lets cross our fingers everyone!!!!
HOPEFUL DEVELOPMENT? Executive producer Brian Grazer telling CNN Headline News' Showbiz Tonight he's in talks with other networks about picking up Arrested Development after Fox axed the offbeat Emmy-winning comedy from its schedule.


Let's hope. :)

***

I'd forgotten how incredibly, *incredibly* funny those captions are from the 1974 Weight Watcher Cards at http://Candyboots.com. HOLY SHIT.



Um, I guess this is a salad best enjoyed at the house of that one scary lady down the street who never leaves the house and talks to her knicknacks.

I showed this card to a friend who said, "What the hell's in that bowl-- bong water?!"

Is that why the ceramic animals are so drawn to it? Is it their magical pond?

Why have they gathered? What do they want?


***



I had no idea frankfurters could be so spectacular. Wow!

I would almost be willing to upholster a whole damn pineapple with pork product just to be able to say I was serving Frankfurter Spectacular. Say it with me: Frankfurter! Spectacular!

Why would you even want to eat this? Why, when you could keep your mouth busy for hours just by repeating the life-affirming phrase that is "Frankfurter Spectacular."

FRANKFURTER SPECTACULAR!

Thank you.


***

If this were submitted by one of my applicants as their personal statement, I'd vote to admit on principle alone.

http://www.lucifer.com/~sasha/humor/admission.html
Every morning at work I make a packet of microwaveable oatmeal for breakfast. Today my mind was on other things as I was prepping it, but I put it in the microwave as normal, put on the timer, and went to sit at my desk and answer a couple of emails until it was ready. I heard the microwave ding, opened it up, and immediately saw and smelled the smoke.

I put the oatmeal in to cook without adding the water.

Now the whole office smells rank and everyone's laughing at me. Me included.
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